Rafting down this nutso river we call life (highly anticipated)

Well well, my devout readership. I've been asked more than a few times lately when I was going to make a new post. First of all let me just state that I'm stunned that people notice or care when I don't write you all. So like I always say "Lets get this show on the road!"

Well kiddies, this life is an interesting time. Theres the saying that goes something along the lines of you can never see around the rivers bend, or something like that, either way you know what I'm talking about. Well at this point in my life i have discovered that life is a river in every aspect...like a level 5 rapid river with Zero straightaways, and forget there are sharks in the river and the river is running through an inescapable desert. Oh and theres a hole in your boat... Now my people let me get biblical while I explain my parable!


Conman, thou speakest of a raging torrent with not straight paths? What meanest thou by this?
Well son, life is never easy. Even when you look at a river, often times it can appear calm on the surface, but you can never really be sure whats going on under the surface. For example my life right now to most people in my ward I seem like an average joe just going about my life like no big deal while in reality the currents and eddies(A current, as of water or air, moving contrary to the direction of the main current, especially in a circular motion) are going LOCO under the surface! Life has no easy parts, and you can never really see whats coming next, at least I know I can't, maybe that black guy in Africa from Heroes can, because well he can see the future the lucky duck! But I digress, life has no script, we can't ever know whats happening around the bend. Once again I will use myself as an example of this. I had something change in my life, that was purely me, as in no one else made this change or helped me make it. Just me. And honestly, I cannot believe it happened. I pulled a complete 180, I'm not even mad at myself! In fact I think it was actually a really positive change!

But C-dog, what meanest thou by the great sharks of the seas abiding in rivers? First off, I was watching animal planet the other day, there totally are sharks living in rivers, in like the Mississippi or something!!! Can you believe that? Scary huh! But the sharks that live in the rivers of life are a little different obviously. These can really be a number of different things, like situations, or people mostly. Either way, they come out of nowhere from under the surface to appear in your life, and then they attack. Now mind you this might seem a little extreme, but throughout life whether on purpose or not there are plenty of people or situations that will hurt you and try to drag you under the surface. Lots of times they can even seem well intentioned, when in reality they are having a very negative impact on you. Like trying to be friends with a bad influence because you believe yourself to be there only positive influence. No I don't mean to say we should never try to help the bad influences but it can definitely be a dangerous chore. Because all too often people lose sight of the fact that they are being more negatively impacted, than the other is positively. Fishing for sharks is dirty work, just ask Mike Rowe.

Ahh we see now Con-Dog, but thou makest mention of an endless sea of sand that engulfs the land about the river? Please tell us what thou meanest by this? Life is life, it is inescapable. So in terms of the parable, you can try to go to the banks of the river and leave life behind but in reality you have nothing to go. There's no other choices. And if you pursue a life...outside of life? You will go to your doom. In the sense that the people who do generally commit suicide, or become shut-ins who are completely detached from the outside world and are un-happy. You can't run away from life and your problems they have to be faced. The alternative is certain death, either physical or mental.

ConMan at last we understand thy words, but we must also know what thou speaketh of in relation to the whole in the boat. That ones easy. Everyone has a hole in their boat, because everybody is dying. The important goal in life is getting to see as much of the river as you can.

Well theres my philosophical message for the day people, maybe if you're good I will have something a little more interesting to share with you next time.

a scary thought

Sooo, I just found this video on Barack Obama and everyone who reads this blog NEEDS to watch it. Now I'm not saying that everything in here is completely true, or that I'm easily swayed by media...but really, these are mostly direct quotes and real facts. This guy did his homework.



Now by no means am I saying believe everything in here. But like I said Its just scary to think that Obama HAS been affected in some way by Wright's teachings.

This article below is based on another frightening thought. These people claim Obama uses subtle hypnosis techniques in his speeches. Also can't really be proven but I do know this. Obama is not the same speaker in a speech as he is at a debate. In debates he can raise a crowd to roar like a rock concert, but at speeches he stutters, he drags on his points, and is just hard to follow in general. Now the people who did this research are experts and should be taken as such. Mind you it is NOT the same source as the video above.

http://www.internet-grocer.net/hypnosis.pdf

Finding joy in the twisted...

So this post may seem a little twisted to some, but for me it's a HUGE deal. Like were talking enormous, mungo, GARGANTUAN even!! So I have spent a large majority of my life without any close friends. People didn't invite me places, I'd spend my Friday nights on the couch, melting my brain with "that dumb x-box" as my mom would always say. I would go out some times and I was fairly well liked at school, I just haven't had anyone that I would introduce as my best friend until this year. Let me tell you it is something different! I have always thought that I am a great friend, that I am such a nice person, and never really understood why people wouldn't to be my friend. Then this startling thought hit my brain like a hiker stuck in a canyon during a flash flood. The thought that follows something like that is simple. "Oh, #$@&(insert your own 4-letter word)." This was my initial thought. Maybe I'm not that good of a friend, and I've just never been close enough to anyone that would care enough to say something? WOAH! Really? Ya, maybe I suck, just no one ever cared enough to tell me because they knew I wasn't going to hangout with them the next night. I mean it made perfect sense, when I thought about it. I have like...zero, zilch, zip, nada, years of being a best friend as a young adult. So obviously I can't start out perfect. I will be the first to say, it is a STEEP learning curve. One day things were hunky dory and I was walking in what seemed like a plane flatter than junior high cheer squad, the next minute it's like I'm climbing Everest, barely hanging on! Figuratively of course. I may not be in school, but I have always thought that the most important learning doesn't take place in a class room, and this is one of those lessons. So this is one class I'm oddly excited for. I'm taking notes, I'm studying hard, I'm just hoping I pass the test, because on this test there are no grades, just pass or fail, and I will be among the former!

Here's the twisted part. The part where I realized I was in a class. The part where I realized I have a lot to learn. I got in trouble last night. A friend of mine yelled at me last night. I didn't make any life-altering decisions. I just did something stupid, inconsiderate, and rude, and for one of the first times in my life I got in trouble about it. I can literally think of one other time where I got in trouble from a so-called friend and I don't even count it, because the kid yelling at me was about as moody and dramatic as my friends mom when she went through menopause. Craziness. But I digress, my friend got upset with me and the more I thought about it the worse I felt. I have spent so much of my life dealing with crappy friends and always wishing I could say something, but knowing that anything I said wouldn't make a difference; thus this situation made me feel like that kid that tells a your mom joke to a kid who's mom died, oh wait I've done that too. HA! Back on point though, I'm surprisingly grateful for this experience, and have found the positive in it. I finally have friends who are willing to let me have it! They care enough about our relationship to be mad about something. Thats such a huge step forward for me that I'm barely even mad at myself for being an idiot! I ditched my friend, and apparently have it done more than once without really noticing I was doing it. Said friend was sick of it, and laid into me last night. I did my best to apologize, but knew there wasn't a lot I could do to relieve the situation at the current state of things. The thing I thought about this morning though, and am taking to the bank though you ask? They were mad I ditched them why? Because on some level, they wanted to spend time with me, had planned on it, and may or may not have been looking forward to it. I thought about that and was just thinking..."YAAAA! Somebody thinks I'm kinda cool." (Or maybe they just didn't have any other plans, I like the idea of the first though). I know that sounds really selfish, but I guess it sort of is. I'm so ecstatic to finally have people who are actually upset with me when I don't do what I say I'm going to. Think about it, if they didn't care why would they say anything? they probably would have just gone along with there other friends to do something else, not caring either way what I did or how I would have felt. But that isn't what happened. This person turned down other people and planned around me.

So my babies, let use summarize what I learned. I have a lot to learn about being a good friend and am so glad to finally have the opportunity to learn these lessons. At the same time, I'm very grateful to even have good friends for the first time since I was in 6th grade. I know I'm going to try hard to learn to be a better friend to those around me, and would urge everyone to do the same. And to anyone who reads take stock in your friends. Think hard, would your best friend be mad at you if you blew them off? If not are they really your best friend. Just something to think about.

Jokes on you I am NOT my own worst enemy!!

So this weekend was interesting. I helped my best friend we'll call him Jack Poates... so anyway I was helping him work on a project and we were coming up with names for a fragrance. Then on Sunday I gave my brother some interior decorating tips as he starts painting his new house. And today I asked my coworker if I could borrow some lotion. she warned me that it was girly smelling, but I wasn't afraid. Some may say there are 2 flaws here, that I moisturize my hands and the other is the name of the lotion? Berry Kiss. Here's the kicker. I do not even care. Not even a pinch!

In a world where male femininity is much maligned I am happy as clam to finally be embracing things that make me...me. I have 4 older brothers and things like a sense of fashion or a secret love for musicals often got me ridiculed. Then when you move into a world where homosexuality is becoming more and more the norm, men have this overwhelming need to prove that they are macho men. But I don't see these "flaws" as flaws at all. I'm not a homo, I'm not metro. I'm just well rounded. I love to play sports, work on home projects, work on cars, and I am a master of the grill if I do say so myself. The reason I'm grateful for Jack is because his life shows me it totally kosher. His dad used to play NFL football, but not Jackie. No, he spends his time pouring over vogue, he scents his pillow with lavender, but through all of that he still understands the offensive strategies of NFL teams, and plays basketball with more intensity than Lebron. He isn't gay either. How bout' that? I love the fact that he's shown me that I can do whatever I want and not even care what people think. And my other friends notice. They see a small mannerism here or there, and by no means is it surprising for me to hear the common, "Conner you've been spending too much time with Jack." But I take it as a compliment. And ya, I know this whole blog makes me sound like a total flamer...but I'm not. I know it. Everyone who knows me knows it. Your mom DEFINITELY knows it (just kidding, but seriously she does.) Other than that who else really matters. Letting people who don't care about you as a person control your life is about as ridiculous as going to a Walmart to look for future astronauts. It's just bad business.



I think the real key is finding who you are and the things you love to do then embrace it! After that surround yourself with the people who love and accept you for who you really are. I'm glad I finally have that, I just wish I hadn't had to wait until I was almost 21.

CRAP-storm

So I don't know what it is about sports, but they get me sooo riled up. Last Thursday was definitely not a good day for me. It started with work, which isn't my favorite place, but I'm grateful to be working. Then I was looking forward all week to my intramural flag football game that night. It didn't go so hot. There was a TERRIBLE call, like the zebra-referees from those beer commercials, you know the ones with the horse playing football? Well ya those zebras would have made a better call. Then I dropped an easy touch down, we went for 2 to take the lead, and ended up missing it instead of just taking the 1 to tie, and some guys on the team lack a little bit of football sense. Need less to say we lost, mind you I hate losing, but I can handle it. What drove me crazy is that because of poor decisions and lack of execution we lost by 1 FRICKEN point to a 5 man team against our 7 men!!! (heavy exhale) But what are you gonna' do? I went home mad to find my BYU cougars being throttled by TCU and playing terrible football. After watching the tail end of the first half, and a majority of an excruciatingly bad second half, yelling at the TV by myself the whole time mind you. I decided I had had enough and was going running. I laces up my sweet kicks and visited some friends first to see if I was capable of feeling better before running. I wasn't so I stretched a little bit, then hit the pavement. I ran hard up to my best friend Mikhael's to try and defuse my mood a little bit. While there I ended up doing something stupid to one of her room mates that required a GOOD apology, and that actually helped take my mind off myself a lot. Then me and Mikhael jogged across campus over to the third corner of trio Zack's house. We talked to some people there for a while then headed back to take Mik home. She was having a stressful evening as well and wanted to hear stories, so I thought hard and told her the best stories I could think of my child hood the whole way home. She went inside, and I ran home in the frigid 48 degree fall air, trying to clear my head. I get home, eat something, shower and hit the sack.

Sorry for the boring play by play of my day, but I needed to vent that, but yesterday helped me make a realization today. I'm sick of talking. Talking is the biggest waste of time in my life. I burn more time flapping my gums about meaningless drama BS than Richard Simmons does time doing jazzer-cise. I don't get why I'm obsessed with it. I have accomplished nothing of note by talking about anything. Obviously there will always be issues that will have to be talked out, and they will be, but other than that I'm setting a new goal to cut down on my useless jibber jabber. I'm going to start by reducing to my talk by say 50%. So next time I start a sentence with "dude I don't know..." stop me and check to see if I'm about to drown you with a deluge of my grief-y filth.

Hold me to this people! I am a sick man with a disease, and only YOU can help!

All in good fun

Alright so my sister brings up a good point...I sound like a whiny girl from high school that everyone was always nice to her face, but when shes gone they're like "Oh my gosh! Karen is such a brat! She's such a whiny (insert your own derogatory explicative)!" So ya guys I know what you're thinking. "Conner, if I could see you right now, I would punch you in the junk you CLEARLY lack."

So that being said I would once again make a cover all statement. I write for entertainment, both yours and mine. I like to be over-dramatic in my ramblings, and generally you can count on that. My stories are never really as bad as I make them out to be. I just want you to think they are. The descriptions I use may seem a bit "embellished" some may say, but the way I see it, really they're just helping me with my creative writing skills, and who doesn't love some good imagery right? I mean I could say; "She finally told me the truth" or you could go with something to the effect of; "I interrogated her until she cracked like an egg at breakfast and spilled the beans, shedding more light on the situation that the field lamps at Yankee stadium." Now mind you it's not my best work, but you get the picture. I personally much prefer the latter. The problem is that at some point, I've broken the boundary of where vocabulary equates to intellect, and entered the realm of melodrama. So Lets just be clear. I'm TRYING to be melodramatic and I like to think I'm good at it. I know your jealous. It's quite a gift.



So to recap. I will say this one more time. Nothing is as bad as I say it is. I just want you to be entertained. I choose to be over-dramatic and when you tell me so, I take it as a complement.

Useless Frustration

You know when one of your friends is about to say something? They maybe smirk, or smile maybe frown even. Then just close their mouth and say nothing, or occasionally lay out the all too foreboding "never mind." At that point you know, you HAVE to know what they were gonna say. You start hounding them like an over bearing golden retriever after a pigs ear. "What is it?", "why won't you just tell me?", "what's the big deal?", "Come on! You have to tell me!" We've heard and used em all. And I've come to realize there are 2 types of people in the world. Those who crack, and those who are locked up like Fort Knoxx. I myself am of the former, in most cases. I would say a large majority of people are. You beg, and prod, and plead until your friends get so annoyed they just spit it out at you with such disdain you'd think they were spitting out a piece of gristle from a bad steak. I would say 9 out of 10 times whatever they were keeping from you, doesn't help whatever the situation may be. It doesn't make a difference. In fact I would venture further that generally the reason they don't say is because it will just make a situation more complicated, convoluted, and corrupted even. In other words, just plain worse. We squeeze all the information we can out of our friends in hopes of finding the "truth". Jack Nicholson said it best in A Few Good Men "You want the truth? YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!"

And for what? To satisfy man's twisted dissatisfaction with things as they are. We have to know more, even when it makes us un-happy. Our curiosity is like a demon in all of us. It's subtle, inside we know we should forget about whatever they left out, because odds are they are just trying to protect us from our own emotions and imaginations.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I know this may be shocking, and disturbing to some. In fact you may not want to let the little ones read this part...but yes, even I Conner C. Tracy have fallen pray to this subtle snare. Mines like a super version of sorts though. Basically I want to believe one source a trustworthy source with more credentials than a Harvard medical school graduate. But my gut tells me to believe the source thats has the track record of a Mob lawyer. I thought I had come to a conclusion, I was cool with everyone involved. Everything seemed peachy again, and I just had to let this whole thing blow over. No matter how I try though, more and more info presents itself in more diverse ways. Like bread crumbs stringing me along. I think if the witch had been smart she would have used bread crumbs to trick Hansel and Grettle into coming to her. Think about it, once you find that morsel of knowledge you gobble it up, you savor it like a fine chocolate, take in everything you can from it. Then what do you do? You look for the next one. And generally in situations like mine, if you keep following the bread crumbs you end up at the witches house, but now theres no way back to follow, and no one can come save you. You get so deep in whatever you want to believe happened, that generally you alienate yourself from the friend involved in the process, regardless of what really happened.



So now here I stand at the clearing in front of the witches cabin. I've followed the bread crumbs through the whole forest and am no worse for the wear. Do I keep going? Do I dare discover the truth behind the situation? Or do I live by the old adage "Ignorance is bliss," and walk back out of the forest the way I came.

the first of an apparent many

So I just decided to follow in a friends footsteps and begin cataloging my life via computer. Well I feel like there's so much I need to catch the world up on. My life is just SO exciting! NOT! Welcome to the life of a 20 year old bum who is secretly obsessed with drama. I hate it, yet it seems I can't live without it. I think the best way to compare it is like an addiction to heroin. This may surprise people, but heroin actually will never kill you. Much like drama won't kill me. All it does is keep me coming back for more. It doesn't hurt me, it just makes my life rather hellish for a time, then the dreamy high passes, and I immediately start looking for my next fix. My drug of choice? Well let me tell you, I've become so addicted to it, because its sooo reliable. Whenever things are going well I can always count on her to knock me back down a few notches. She is sweet like sugar, pure like spring rain, yet poisonous like a rattle snake, and deceptive like a used car salesmen. She lies in wait, looking innocent and enticing, and it works every time. My drug of choice? Women. To protect those involved I will use false names in all stories and experiences through out these adventures of a young adult drama-King.

So I honestly don't understand myself sometimes. I try and have just friends, but even they give me grief! Maybe I make everything worse by trying to fix all my friends problems out of some sick sense of responsibility. It seems like its un-avoidable. I feel like a car stuck in a train tunnel. I have no escape. Now lets be clear, nothing that happens is ever life threatening or anything horrible. It's just the annoying kind of things that, over time, can drive a relationship apart like water freezing through the tiniest crack in a rock. Don't get me wrong, every now and then something happens that blows apart a relationship a lot more like dynamite in that same rock, but thats much less common.

See this is whats screwed up about me. Last weekend I got shafted hard core by this one chick I was kinda into. Then last night I had an extremely aggravating conversation with a girl about a good friend of mine who came into my life for 2 weeks and wreaked HAVOC in it! She was collateral. Then right now, literally RIGHT NOW, I'm texting this one girl who at one point I was kinda into, but she wouldn't give me the time of day and am IMing another one who I have no plan for.

I wonder if they have support groups for people like me...